Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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