hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Semen is not good for contacts.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
