It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
