the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
