Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
