Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
