So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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