chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
