took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
