The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
only you would photoshop your dick
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
