when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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