Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He's on the porch naked. Help.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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