Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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