Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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