that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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