I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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