How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
