He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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