I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
