Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
