I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
