Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
