I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
