He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
is it fun? or sober?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
