I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
3pm strippers are depressing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
