Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
