she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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