my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
