i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
