you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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