Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
