i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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