and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
