My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
