8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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