Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
