i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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