I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
