I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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