I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
