i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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