There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
