Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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