Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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