it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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