It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
