I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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