why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We had to coat check the pizza.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
