saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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