honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
